I Am Sorry for Feeling So Very Low

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I Am Sorry for Feeling So Very Low

I keep telling myself that I am not going to do another Cancer Post, but every time I do this, I get another bout of sickness. I was aiming to keep these going until I am dead, the obvious is coming, that I have accepted, my problem is with what has been done to me by having Radiotherapy has basically killed me anyway, it has made the journey no fun at all, without the Radiotherapy things ‘May’ have been shorter, but as the inevitable is coming anyway then at least I could have enjoyed small things such as ‘Food’ and I really miss food, just simple things like sausage in batter and chips from the Terrace Chippy, Doner Kabab from the Flaming Grill, a KFC or even just a simple Coffee, I would at least ‘Die Happy’.

So, What’s Up?

I am finding hard to Swallow, and sometimes even breathe, it makes you wonder how accurate the consultants are when they give you the estimated countdown the impending end of my life. I was told I will not see Christmas.

Time is ticking on, slowly and I am sat in my half-built workshop, surrounded by Components and Ham Radios, and no drive to do anything, because I am giving in to depression, and it just keeps waving its head, just when you let it in it jumps on you, winding you and you cannot cope, or it creeps up on you and slowly turns your stomach making you feel sick, you get all quiet, and keep yourself all twisted up and alone.

Throat Cancer

One thing about being on Hospices Books is that you get a selection of Happy Pills.

I know from when I was at Clatterbridge that some will work and some are useless, but even the crappy ones will give you a small break from the dismal days that you go through, but even there pills do not get you through what you say to yourself, and when you are in this space you just cannot find a way to surface through it, it seems to stay with me for  two days or more, and for me I just cannot find the surface, I worry about the time that I have lost, the time that I have left, and all the things that I have done wrong.

What I Should Have Done – The Regrets!

I suppose my biggest regret is giving up on Joe back in St. David’s, I should have shown my Love to her more often, surprised her, and looked after her, so much more than I did, instead I buried my head in a computer screen.

I am not totally regretting the computer bit as that took me on a strange and wonderful path that ended taking me on a great big roller coaster of good or bad companies and it ended in a good place.

I do ‘Miss’ Joe though, she was a one in a million and I pray that she is happy, so many years have passed but I have never stopped thinking about her, I miss her dad’s wisdom and guidance, he was the dad that I had missed for so long, here was so many things that I miss about St. David’s, working on the boats during the summer was a bonus, helping with the trips around Ramsey Island was just great, I missed playing the violin, the one that Peter had lent to me was just divine, and to this day I have not played again. In a way she pushed me onto the right path. I suppose really I should never have given up Sailing, I had pushed myself and enjoyed every sunny and wet day that I had, from the early Project days to the delivery days, looking back I was a bloody idiot for doing what I was doing, I was often told this, most more wise than me would work in small teams of 2 or 4, it was only by chance that I was had found something that I truly enjoyed, I originally thought that I was joining another Rona Sailing Trust, only to be shown a yacht that needed to be moved to another port and I was stupid enough to except it, by that time I was in too deep and after a few months the trips started to get longer and the boats never seemed to get smaller, so what I fell in to was something that I really enjoyed and too this day is something that was really in my blood, those lonely nights on the ocean, in-between ports, with no land in sight, those days were what I found I beat my heart for, if I have not missed anything at all in my life it would be alone at sea, watching the sunrise or the sunset, I suppose the only thing that would have made this perfect would have been having my dad there.

Classic Sailing Yacht Halloween
Classic Sailing Yacht Halloween

The thing that gets me down a lot at the moment is the pain in my shoulders and my right leg, I can put up with the cancer rubbish, I cough every few seconds with annoys Sue and Gerry a lot, I obviously would love to eat a few sweets, so that is off, and everyone seems to be Okay about what is going to happen, it is just me that it seems to affect.

The Countdown.

It seems kind of strange that I know what is coming and I have very little control over it, if it was not for what is happening in my throat and the fun that I have had at Clatterbridge I would not think that I have anything wrong with me, well except for the big tube that is stuck out of my stomach which gets caught on everything, Oh and the big hot dog sized cancerous growth that is stuck at the back of my throat, positioning itself for the most discomfort, all the way down to the Esophagus and goes up in to what is left of my brain and disappears, it is large enough to not allow anything solid to pass, and over the past two months I would say that it has got bigger which means that I struggle to even swallow drinks, either way I just spend ages coughing my guts up, even spaghetti gets caught down there and 3 or 4 hours latter I am still bringing up bits of spaghetti which is either exiting from my mouth or my nose with the same sips of coffee that I had earlier as well which is not something nice to see around a crowded table with guests.

I was told that I will not get to see another Christmas, so I have marked this in the book and am in a weird way looking forward to it, well maybe not looking forward to it, but I think I have excepted it, I am so not happy about it, I have so much to do at present, like:

  • Finish the house!
  • At the least Build 1 more bathroom.
  • Do a lot more fishing.
  • Buy either a Beneteau Barracuda 9 or something similar to an old Aquastar 38 Fishing Boat.
  • Win the lottery so that I can also buy a 70+ft yacht and finish off the globe, well at least the parts that I did not finish myself.
  • I would like to visit Dad, or at least see where he was placed.
  • Finish the Workshop and the Ham Radio Shack.
  • In an ‘Ideal World’ I would have loved to finish off the Garage.
  • I have seen a lot of the world, but I have never been to the Maldives, I would love to go and stay in one of those small shallots in the sea and have a proper holiday, one without Junk Food.
  • Do a lot more for Sue, it is the least that I could do after what she has done over the last two years.
  • Do a Bungy Jump, I have done many parachute jumps but I have never done a bungy Jump.
  • Oh, and yes – Survive Cancer (fat chance).
  • Try and find good homes for all my electrical equipment.

I suppose in a way this list is a kind of lame ‘Bucket List’, I have done so much over the years, and I was looking forward to growing old with someone, but it looks like that idea has been scuppered now, lots that I wished I had done, when I was back in St. David’s I was given the opportunity to run a small 38ft fishing boat out around Ramsey Island, I was only helping out a friend at the time but the boat was well equipped at that time and I had started to look at the wrecks around Ramsey and they were teaming with life, I have always liked boat fishing and no one was visiting these wreck sites, day trippers were happy with mackerel and the odd pollock or wrasse, so we advertised a few dates for wreck fishing trips and the cost for the boat for a day, they came and the boat was fully booked and out we went with me as the skipper and owner as a mate, anyway long story short we hit gold, the boat was filled with good sized Cod in the middle of Summer, we had only allowed 3 dates and they were all the same, both me and the owner were happy and well knackered,  from that day onwards we were looking for a suitable boat but I had another priority at the time who was called Jo-Anne Marie Cooper and she was the centre of my universe at the time and I cannot remember what exactly pulled me away from the boats, but I have always enjoyed being on a boat, weather it be sailing or fishing, I think I should have stayed with it, at least I would have been near to her and her family, her Dad at the time was kind of my replacement Dad, I had lost mine when I was 11, and Joe’s dad was just one of those people that you could respect and turn to for advice, I think when I finally left Wales I lost my link with him and that had hurt me more back then.

He would Often Say – Life is a Bitch and then you Die…

So where does this leave me, I suppose in a strange position, one moment I am sitting for days in this office, staring at piles of Amateur Radio Equipment that I need to check is working correctly, but even with all this kit to play with I can just stare at it with no idea as to what I should be doing.

I can spend Days thinking of past and present loves’, some I remember some as a smile covers my face and just swiftly move on from, then there is the special ones, which hold me in a tight embrace of pain and sorrow, and I weep like a child who has lost a beloved pet, these days are dark days, I try to recall only the good memories but then the pain that I caused them by trying to handle the parting, hurts, and the thoughts of loss are too strong.

The long days when I spend so much time coughing my guts up trying just to breathe and I end the day in a pain that I can only guess would be like downing a pint of strong acid, trying to breathe is a real trouble these days and I can often wish it would hurry up and finish me off, I get so pissed of that I cannot just sit downstairs and watch tv without me ruining a good film.

I am at a stage where being able to enjoy myself is a big challenge, I recently ordered something to try and give me something to do, I should have saved it to put towards a Yaesu that someone who is incredibly kind has offer me the radio at a very good price, but I had been saving for a while and I had wanted it to see if it would, make the Icom more useable than the toy that I think it is! Anyway a small box arrived today and it has not even been looked at, god I am an idiot for getting it when I really want the Yaesu, and then I think I’m a bloody idiots for even thinking of getting another radio this late in the day with approximately only a few months left breathing on this world, but if I can just make a few contacts on the radio then I can at least get to a point where I will be happy to finally go with a so called smile on my face and finally out of pain.

Think back here that I should have said a few thing here about what made me so happy, that has been my move to Axnfell to live with Sue and Gerry, there is nothing better than trying to bring a house into a livable space, we spent a year wood paneling the lounge, since then we have managed to nearly finish a few rooms and actually finish a few more, we have both learnt lots, and especially that there just is not enough space under the floorboards to house modern day Electrics and Plumbing, especially when you add Network as well as Satellite and security, thankfully having 10ft high ceiling has meant that we could lower the height and put a new ceiling height in.

It has taken me a long time to get the best tools, and they have collected a lot of dust over the last two years, but at least Sue will know what to do with them from now on, I think we have only done 8 or 9 of the rooms so I am so sad to leave her with about 20 rooms to finish, it is a big project.

I just hope that Sue can find comfort in knowing that I wish I could do more for her, she has been like a sister to me, and her family has been the one that I lost a long time ago..

I know I have let her down most.

Last Updated : 8th July 2023

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