Home Cancer Diary Stuck inside a body that is not mine!

Stuck inside a body that is not mine!

by MD0MDI
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Stuck inside a body that is not mine!

The last few weeks have come and gone but I seem to be stuck, I cannot seem to shift the sickness, and some days I actually feel good and hopeful, but most of the time I cannot move thanks to the nausea, and more often than not I am sick which throws you back to stuck in bed crying normally with very little hope of coming out of this.

On top of this you’re waiting for a call from the consultant at Clatterbridge and then your told you have to wait another month to find out if it’s bad news or good, they love keeping you waiting, and in the meantime, I’m stuck in bed fighting the nausea which there can’t be any treatment for.

I get told to stop one drug and take something different which really seems to mess you up somewhat, I spent two days fighting monstrous dizziness thanks to trying out one drug change this week, so far they cannot seem to find anything that makes life normal, on top of this I still cannot handle any food or drink, which really pisses you off when you see someone next to you munching through a chocolate bar.

In the last three weeks I seem to have spent only a few hours doing anything positive, I started trying to sort out a temp radio setup, which has meant moving thing around, take me back to last year and this would have only taken me a few hours but now even moving the radio from the loft to the workbench took about two days, trying to find a working power supply took another two days, and you have to rely on forcing Sue up a ladder looking for objects that she has no idea what they look like and I have no idea where they were put years ago when they were shoved into the loft.

And then you are also stuck by silly things, finding a power lead for the microHam MicroKeyer III, or a working ATU and patch leads, all these little things basically depress you because they are all stupidly simple and easy things that I cant do now, either I cannot find it, have not got the ability to make it, or if I can make it it will take me the whole day to make up something that would have normally taken me 10 minutes and then I just cannot trust myself at the moment, red and black wires are just about doable but more colours may just mess me up somewhat.

So the office is still a mess and I see no end to the mess, I spend about 18 hours a day in bed which means I have very few left to sort stuff out.

The Gross Bit!

This is how pathetic life is at present.

Every 10 minutes or so throughout the day either Sue or Elaine have to pump some horrible tasting ensure liquid into me, I say horrible because if I taste it, it makes me throw up which sets me back after that.

I suppose because I spend so much time in bed my hips and legs hurt, kind of cramp up a lot or spasm, so I spend a lot of time trying to get comfortable, a lot of the time I am still awake at 2 in the morning because of being uncomfortable, and then I am not normally even thinking of waking up till about midday, which does seem kind of messed up.

Moving is just a pain!, I am walking like I am 30 years older than I am, I cant walk more than say 20ft at a time and I need to be supported, I have no strength at all in my legs, this was all caused by the peg getting inserted and the subsequent ulcer that basically screwed all of this up, I ended up losing 4 and a half stone, I cannot remember being in single fingers for a lot of years, I have so far lost a third of my weight, and although loads of people would love this it has screwed up so much, all of the weight has gone from leg muscle mass, I can easily imagine what people in third would countries must feel, just thank god for wheel chairs.

When I am vertical and fighting back the nausea, I can often be found picking all the dead flesh from my mouth, picking scabs off my lips and ripping whole lumps from my dry tongue has become a kind of hobby I suppose, there always seems to be more to pick off, the tongue is bloody disgusting, because I have no saliva at all and for some reason I have not a lot of interest in drinking, when I do have a sip it is only a sip and normally I only do this to help clear yucky stuff in my throat. I would love to have a proper drink as in a pint or a can of coke, but I cant hand most liquids, they don’t have the same taste, and most liquids still have the taste of an ashtray which is great at making me throw up, and the food side of things are still not happening, all food, and whatever it is taste of cardboard, even bloody chocolate which is very depressing and trying to chew through cardboard also makes me sick, I hated having the peg installed but without it I would be dead by now, I have pumped into me about 4 litres of foul tasting liquid supplement everyday, and most days this stays in me, but some days I end up throwing all the days proceeds up.

I have a new gimble to fit on my drone come today, god knows how long this is going to take to install, the joys of this crap!

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