It Really Hurts!

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It Really Hurts - with some notable Kindness.

It is very true that they say that the treatment is a lot worse than the Cancer, I had my second batch of 8 Hours of Chemo last Monday, the last time I had this amount I ended up in hospital and really regretting it, this time I am suffering but kind of surviving,  I am feeling very dizzy and my walking is that of a 120 year old, I cannot get up by myself or even walk around the flat, the body is a wreck. My mind seems just about alright but most of the rest of the body is a complete mess.

The very worst bit is my mouth, and everything attached, I cannot swallow anything, if I happen to yawn it completely kills me, leaving me in a ball of pain that I have never felt before and with no way around this, I just have to suffer it on, I really would never want anyone to go through this, I feel for Elaine who is seeing this everyday, it can’t be too nice, I get a phone call from Sue a few times a day so at least I know that there are people out there fighting with me.

I have had to share a few taxi’s of late with others having various treatments. It is quite depressing when you see people with no side effects, no problems what so ever, can eat normally and feel generally fine, whereas I am a complete mess and defiantly getting worse as every day goes by.

The View from Clatterbridge
The View from Clatterbridge

So besides the feeling sick most of the time, but thankfully no where near as bad as last time now that I have doubled the dose of all my nausea and pain meds, the very worse part of all of this is my throat, my mouth and now my nose is really fighting back. It feels as though ity has loads of scabs up there, I cannot shift them because they hurt to touch, and it is now making it very difficult to breathe most of the time, especially when I am under the Radiotheraphy machine. I have worked out that taking the diazepam and the Ora-Morph seems to work, but I need to try and let myself sleep a little, which is not at all possible, but if I can try and get into that state then at least it seems to make the process pass a lot faster.

This kind of new pain though is really annoying, it stops me from breathing and it really hurts loads, I cannot shift these scabs and it just feels that I need to get rid of them, but as stated I cannot touch them and trying to remove them just hurts too much, My whole mouth now is so dry and unforgiving. Talking has been really fun of late, as in non-existant, it seems that all I can do is grunt replies out.

Some Notable Offers of Kindness this week.

As ever I have been trying to keep myself busy, combining data on external hard drives all onto one drive which has been long over due, and of course my thoughts for the future and things that I want to do.

I have had a small project in the back of my mind for ages now which would require a Hardware TNC, I had put a small request out for anyone selling one in the UK and was absolutely blown away by a message from a kind Amateur called Evan Jones, who has now sent me a MFJ-1278B Multimode TNC which I am completely blown away with and it certainly has given me the real hope to get through this and play.

As well as this I had a great message and chat with a Mathew Bretton in the USA who has very kindly sent me a FIF-232 that should hopefully work with the FT-980 that I am looking to restore once I am back in working order.

I have always belived that radio hams can be decent people, I try my best to help others out, something that I have not seen by most of the locals on the Isle of Man, I can name but a few that are kind and helpful, The Douglas’s, Bob’s and Mike’s to name a few, they know who they are and they know that I will always be there for them when they call.

Thanks to these guys and both Sue and Elaine I have a nice little bundle of stuff growing at home to play with when I return, all projects to work on and most are thankfully the restart of me playing with Amateur Radio again in the future. I was always told that you need to have a goal to aim for, mine as always just seems to be very annoyingly expensive, I always enjoyed Amateur Radio before a few of the locals on the Isle of Man made it just not enjoyable anymore, well since then I have enjoyed repairing many old vacuum tube transmitters and receivers, and even though I have not had a QSO in years, I think I need to have a goal that I can aim for, so my new goals are quite simple and I am a good tuner away from this at the moment, it will be the last item that I need to get back on the radio again, like I said, you have to have something to fight for, and I am drawing the line there, after all if I have to go through this pain daily, then there has to be a reason for it. I don’t have much left really thanks to water tanks breaking and office re-builds, but the office has now been basically completed and all I need to do now is build a shack, buy a few antenna’s , get them in the air and hopefully start playing again, I will be a long way off from playing RTTY with Vacuum Tube sets but fingers crossed, I may one day get some good old transceivers back in the shack to keep me warm.

For anyone going through this cancer stuff, you need to set hopes, because it is far from fun, the pain is totally debilitating, and =for the 7 weeks of Radiotheraphy that you will be going through over here, it is not fun, and it’s is so not enjoyable, it feels like it is killing me and slowly winning along the way, I can only hope that I will get through this, I often want to give up, the pain is endless, the nausea just cripples me, I cannot walk, I cannot talk, the pain is 24 hours a day and sleep is basically no cure at all. I have had enough already and still got three weeks to go. I sm sorry if those reading this find me depressive, I cannot help how I feel, in the past I have broken my leg whilst sailing a yacht three weeks out of the nearest port and had to make a splint and solider on in the best way that I could, yes I was a lot younger and fitter, but no pain that I have ever suffered in the past has ever been like that I feel now, I really do find this hard to cope with, and the few messages that I have received have meant more to me that I can say, I really would not wish this on anyone. So to those others with a similar cancer, stay positive, and hope that it will won day get better. I just want to play radio again.

A Crap Update!

This last weekend has been really bad, feeling so sick all the time and really not up to anything, I cannot stand without help, and even pushing myself around in the wheelchair is impossible sue to nausea and no strength in my arms.

So I have spent the whole weekend sleeping or trying to organise files on the Laptop, I brought with me quite a large number of external drives and a brand new 12Tb San Disk G-Technology USB-C drive, and sods law I woke up this morning to find that this 12Tb drive that I have been slowly compiling all my data onto has failed, I have tried the MacOS First Aid that is normally good, just pops up stating failed which is very useful.

I know that it is stupid but I do not have a backup of this, I was going to purchase another drive at a later stage and back it up, but I have now lost about 10Tb of data that I do not have a backup of at all which has left me totally gutted.

This is the very last time that I will ever buy a single drive, I am going to have to purchase a RAID NAS box, which although expensive it does mean that at least I cannot loose the data on these drives, well as long as failed drives are replaced before others failed that is. 

I really could do without this, I feel so shit at the moment and some of the stuff that I have lost here is not replaceable at all, over the last 3 years I have actually lost 6 external hard drives, the largest at this point being a 4Tb, today with the 12Tb failing I am more than pissed off, this drive had the only copy of family photos that I cannot replace, it had photos of my mum, of good times playing radio back when Harry Blackburn (MD0HEB) was around, the time that I went to Germany with Mike, loads of photos that I just cannot even remember them all.

I am so gutted.

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