I am getting so fed-up with the feeling of either wanting to be sick or being sick, I feel crap all the time, but since this all started I have had an ongoing problem that has been getting worse daily.
I seem to be taking tablets every 4-6 hours, and not just 1 or 2, but loads, normally I can ignore them and the go down easily, but mornings and evenings are just the worst time for me.
Because of my dry throat I am worried that they get stuck, which has happened a few times now, leaving me chocking and more often than not being sick.
I have always had a problem taking tablets, much prefer injections, but since I’ve had this Chemotherapy and with all the messes along the way, it’s been getting really bad, and not at all fun for me.
My whole situation is a bit of a mess, I don’t seem to be getting any better, far from it, I feel worse every day, more lethargic as every day goes by, certainly not eating enough, my mouth hurts, tongue is painful, takes me ages to get to sleep each night as I seem to be fighting off the feeling of wanting to throw up, cannot do a great deal, walking say 50ft kills me, getting up from sitting down hurts, and I’m very dizzy on my feet, kind of wish that I could just switch off and end all this now instead of pro-longing it.
It’s not worth talking to doctors, each time you call, they say different things, you never get the same doctor, and not actually talked to my own doctor in about 6 months at least. Generally they are all good, but we do seem to have one doctor that we really do not enjoy talking to, and seems to have totally different thoughts to the others, anyway, I am sure that there are better meds that I could be on, most other people seem to be having a better time of living with cancer, I am definitely not having a good time, and kind of feel that I don’t have anything to look forward too, so wouldn’t just be easy to just take a load of pills and just fall asleep now, maybe one day, just wish I could take tablets easier than I do, especially as I am spending more days depressed with it all, than enjoying my days awake.
I am laying in bed now, fighting the feeling of sick, not being able to find any position where I feel comfortable and with very little hint of being tired, yet I’m knackered, in pain, feeling crap, depressed about so many things of late, and not seeing anyway out of this that I can remotely afford anyway.
I got given a new toy today, a Mac Pro, one of the old ones, but hopefully something to play with, was going to use it for a server for all the Raspberry Pi’s, but even a new toy did not make me want to plug it in and play.
I am missing silly things at the moment, small things, such as a Wacom Pen that I seem to have no clue as to where I put it about 6 years ago when I last had an office, Power supplies for a couple of scanners I’ve got, my new microHam MicroKeyer 3 with its leads, brand new and got about a year ago, but it seems to have vanished from where I thought I had left it, and loads of other silly things that all seem to mount up to giving me grief, I cannot use my old computer because I cannot find the Wacom Pen, not that I know if it will work even, again, monitors and computers been off for many years, knowing me they will all be shut now and duff.
I am not having a good time of things at all, I sent a load of old Amateur gear across to put towards something nice, only to be offered totally shut prices, and a ridiculous cost to get them back that I am now left with a pathetic store credit and no way of getting something from them now at all.
so yes life in general is depressing at the moment, I’m always in pain, always fatigued, always feeling sick, I have no computers at the moment since my MacBook died, and I’m just waiting for this old tablet to die on me soon with the luck that I have, I want this peg out, I want to at least feel alright for a month or two and not feel sick or down. I really wish I could play radio, but it all just seems to be one mess after another, mainly of stupid ideas that just don’t work going wrong because I’m stupid and my life is shit, even the new kitten does not seem to like me.
Maybe I’m just fed up st the moment, I just wish I could get s break, I remember Jo’s dad, Winston always telling me that ‘Life’s a Shit – and then you die’, well ‘I kind of think it’s about time, I have had the shit bit now for many years, when’s the next bit coming?