I feel there is a future now!

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It’s only been a few days, but boy what a difference, I’ve gone through a pain level where I ended up telling them that I was happier leaving to die (And I really would have been), where I could not stand any movement at all to what the they did yesterday which has given me a fresh meaning to life.

So What Happened?

I was asleep! I spent ‘All’ of my time horizontal, not even able to roll onto my side, the pain from the PEG tube being totally incapacitating and something you really do not see a future too.

Everything that you did was a minimum.

I could not even turn on my side without thinking out the entire operation, planning it out, then making the first move, then once that move was made, the entire plan had changes and a new one had to be made.

Though our this process, I am an inch away from crying, the pain a constant, the pain over-controlling, so trying to move onto your side to even have a pee was a 40min to an hour workout where you have no control over your bowel movements, cannot use your stomach muscles at all because any slight movement there resulted in server pain, crying, a a bigger wish to be dead.

All just to be able to get into a position that is very uncomfortable to have the quickest of pisses, to then have to repeat the process to  get into a horizontal position to at least get a bit of releaf.

Over the past 2 days especially I have not even remembered much about Sue and Elaine’s visits.

A drugged up blur caused by the high dosage Tramadole and Morphine alljabbed painfully into muscle, only after the 4 hours of tramadoll, did you manage to get to sleep, which was greatfully aided by the morphine.

Visiting time usually ran while I was under the effects of the morphine, less screaming out in pain, but also a lot less able to stay awake and be luside.

These times were not fun for theme, I am being totally honest here, I truely wanted to be dead, I could not carry on like it was, there seemed no movement forward but little was actually  being done, it was basically, just a life of don’t move – pain – cry – and please let me die.

I was really fed up and did not want to go on.

I remember throughout this seeing both Elaine and Sue being very unhappy, that cut right into me.

I even made changes to my ‘Will’ in the middle of all this, making sure that all the ham gear would go to good homes, as well as all the test equipment and electronics, you certainly f ind our who yo ur. Friends are when the chips are down.

Things had to change, especially if they wanted me to walk out of here.

This Scared the living shit out of me!

Everyone include wanted the PEG sorted, due to the pain, I wanted the PEG out, I was and yes even now with how I feel this morning, I would have been happy being ‘terminal’ but also out of pain, I was offered 6-18 months, it would have enabled me to do all that I needed to – hopefully.

The surgeons and the consultants, some who never seemed to even be remotely interested in listening to anything that you say, others were the light in the storm, offered a safe haven, and would help you get there, it was not going to be nice, but at least by the morning you would be tied up in calm water, and hanging up everything to dry, and basically out of the pain.

I knew the later had to be tried, but the very in-godly consultants have no empathy at all, nothing to reassure you, and I still have the mind numbing of the previous attempt that got me to new heights of pain felt, and left me there until a couple of days back.

I was basically VERY Shit Scarred!

What had kind of mad the run up to this kind of manageable was a careful work up of Tramadol and Morphine, of a high dose and given to me at the right times, I was even looking forward to this, and psyching myself up to the big event.

The last lot of Morphine was given about 30 minutes before my big event and I was ready.

Delay! – Noooooooooooo!

I was now stressing, and getting very scared again, nothing that you can do, not enough staff at Nobles, poor Anesthatists seem to be taking the brunt of the pills and throws, I lost mind to something urgent, so had to wait until the next one became available, apparently only 2 here which cannot be good for a big hospital.

About 3 hours later it was time to go, and I was scarred, not of any operational rubbish, no point they all know what they are doing, my sacredness was purely from what had happened before.

I was hooked up, in the CT machine, and ready for them to do what they needed to do while using the CT machine to guide the needle so to speak.

Lights Out!

I basically was never told any different assumed that like last time that I was going to be awake.

I think I must have been taken to the edge of General and backed off a little, pain meds, which apparently there were loads of  applied, as and when things were needed.

I honestly do not remember anything until I woke up with someone cleaning my chest. Oh and this…

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All I remember is me thanking them, a lot less pain, and me asking for my drink, that said I cannot remember getting it, but I presume I did, As mouth and throat seem operational again.

I remember being delivered to the ward, and then nothing, I must have slept.

A Bloody Miracle as Far as I am Concerned!

I feel totally different!

I woke up when Elaine visited.

I was still a little scarred to move, pain had been there for so long now, I was not sure what I was going to expect, but first a new feeling – I was hungry.

After coming back from CT Surgery, the nurses had made a right mess of my beside organisation, so I was getting Elaine to sort this out whilst still afraid to move much. At this point I was still unsure what was there.

So first of the major jobs was,  a pee, but I was feeling good!

I sat up and there as very little pain at all, this was so rewarding.

I decided to go for it and walk to the toilet, after all it is less than 15ft away.

I got Elaine to bring my Tooth Brush as well – feeling very hopeful.

I asked for a stroller, just not totally sure of my legs, a little wobbly, and a little unsure if I could support myself, but I was soon upright, vertical and walking, something not done in over a week, I have so much mass and definition in my legs, they now look very thin indeed.

I with a great deal of surprise I managed to walk to the toilet and even sit down on my own, new me! And certainly feeling a lot less pathetic.

Then I even managed to pull myself up and walk to the sink to  gave my teeth the first brushing in about two weeks, god this felt good, no more furry teeth.

Whilst there,  I wanted to push ‘the being brave ‘ scale and see if I could clean the peg site, having never been able to properly touch this area due to pain, well pain is still there but very subdued compared to what was there and I managed to give it somewhat of a clean to the PEG  area, there is a new protect mat over the actual PEG site so that I presume is off limits at the moment.

I walked back to the bed and then sat up on the side of the bed, promptly finishing a large bowl of Fresh Melon and Greek Yoghurt with Honey and which was as sweet as a 16ox streak done medium rare to me.

I even managed to down a full bottle of Coke and a Iron Brew before the end of visiting time.

This was the first time I’ve felt human in about 3 weeks. The ability to move without any pain is something very new.

I feel so normal, and maybe ready for the next earth shafting event, roll on the world!

I even feel getting back into the hunt for a radio to listen to once I am out of here.

The first things on one’s mind!

This though may be a bigger challenge …

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