Things are looking up….

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Awake! Semi anyway…

Not had a good time, this seems to be the norm for the ongoing times but I am seriously hoping that this is not the case.

Yet again on Monday (27th September) I was delivered to hospital for my second dose of Chemo, and yet again I was a mess, choking and very dizzy, with it came sickness, and again I am placed in a side room in the Oncology ward whilst they pump me full of liquids and try to figure out what is happening.

Anyway the long and short of it has been because they originally only gave me a few days of nausea meds to cover the first time that I was in, and they ran out over the weekend, I therefor got dizzy again, this kind of knocked me for six, I then don’t eat enough, I then loose weight (now down to 85.7kg, sorry cannot remember what it is in English), I then get tired and sleep all day, and then I feel crap because of it and then get more dizzy and so on and so on…

Everything was off basically and filled up again over Monday night which is not a good thing to be in hospitals overnight nowadays, but needs must and all that.

By the time that the morning came round though the nurses were busy. I suppose like us all they turn off to the moans around them, but there was just 4 on our ward, 3 needed the toilet (me included), one poor chap had early dementia by the look of it as also COPD which meant he basically was coughing all night, and we were all in discomfort. Remember me mentioning the nausea meds? Well, I was overdue one and starting to feel very off indeed, head was just spinning, I’m tied to an IV that meant I was having to visit the toilet about every 2 hours for a pee anyway, and with the lack of sleep, food (only been given a small ham sandwich and a pack on Ginger Rings Biscuits in my day in hospital) and I’m sure all my levels were down yet again! I couldn’t move, and eventually I had to start crying out as desperate for some relief from both ends of me, my head meant I was not only stuck in bed but would soon suffer from something that had not happened since I was a baby.

So back to where I was – dizzy and desperate for a pee! I was due a tablet for the nausea at about 8am, by 9:30am I am a mess again, could not even sit up, so the nausea meds were given to me by this time in the arm, down the IV that had been making my bladder work overtime.

I know that these poor nurses are busy, and I really cannot fault them, but one minute they are all over you and come back to tell you that your basically down because you are not eating enough, and the next they are ignoring you because you have been stuck in a side room and they are busy else ware, or just busy and they are trying to catch up on paperwork and other duties, I know that I am not the only person who needs them, but they do get side tracked a lot, as do we all. It was the fact that they kept saying that I needed to be eating more and much more regular, especially being a diabetic, but I had to ask them for food after missing out on lunchtime and evening meals because I was in a side room, and when I did ask, was told that because I had missed out on the normal meals all they could do was a small ham sandwich, thankfully at about 7:30pm I visitors who thankfully brought me in some biscuits to munch on which at least pout something in my stomach overnight.

By 10am I was finally feeling human again and started to sit up and come midday I wanted home!

The long wait!

Hospital time is never a good thing to count on, they don’t seem to have minutes, it’s always in hours and lots of them! And waiting to be allowed out and freedom was on the top of my list at this point, God knows how I am going to cope when this does get worse!

I met with a very attractive dietitian who was very nice, but I was getting very subconscious of my bad breath at this point so could have done without that and looking into the eyes of an attractive nurse and trying to concentrate is a really hard thing to do.

Soon woke up when she was talking about the feeding tubes that they insert and the one that was recommended by the cancer staff in Liverpool (bet its cost or ease of use related), would need to be fitted with the help of a camera down the throat and also be left in for about 3 years…..

Not happy about this, I have problems swallowing bloody a small tablet now but shoving a SLR camera down my throat (I know it’s not an SLR, but it might as well be!) is not going to happen, I am getting really stressed with taking tablets now, thinking of this is going to freak me out more. It’s kind of like a horror movie playing in slow motion, where you know things are coming and they are scaring you, but you have no control over it and the more you know what’s coming the longer you have to wait and the slower its getting, it’s just there pounding in your head, scaring you more and more. It’s ‘Tablet-Gate’ all over again!

So the long and short of it is:

I’ve now got a tablet taking phobia because I am being pout under pressure to take more tablets, and regularly to keep my fitness levels up!

I am not eating enough because I don’t feel up to eating because I am getting stressed out with what’s happening, which makes me not want to eat, which then makes me sick which makes me not want to eat!

Making seance so far???

The Chemo makes you nauseous, which means that you then don’t feel like food, which in turns makes you feel sick, so therefore eat more, but you can’t because you feel sick!

Because I find it hard to take tablets now, I therefore have been getting nausea, which in turns means I cannot take tablets now, which makes me sick!

Kind of loads of circles and being someone that never used to have table phobias, or worry about anything, the cancer is becoming not the thing that I worry about at all, but it’s all the problems I’m picking up that not only are the things that I worry about, but things that never used to get to me now are controlling my life – ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

I need to get a hobby! I need my office, I need the cost of wood to come down so I can finish my office and take my mind to a nicer place, restoring old radios or at the least playing on the radio.

Yeh like that’s going to happen any time soon!

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