All Alone with Cancer
The feeling of being trapped in a body that is not entirely yours comes to mind, Still cannot eat or drink anything, and still not very mobile, the stairs up to the floors are fun, kind-of and very slow to say the last, I feel trapped in the way that my mind is spinning, things I have to do, the list gets longer, but then you move, and you feel like you have been slammed into bars around your body with the words ‘Woo There’ plastered all over them to so you from going to far. My entire day is basically stuck in this prison of Nausea, one minute you are totally free and running with the new-born lambs, then gate appear that bring you back to earth and you have no choice but to stop, rest, and even sleep the remainder of the day off. Ask me the day or date and I will be way off, bloody hell, ask me who the prime minister is and I could not tell you, is it Putin yet?
The only good thing is I do not seem to have lost my sense of humour, I just cannot get out of this shell that I am enclosed in.
The whole image of life at the moment is a long misty void of Blurriness what out of anyone’s control must feel like. I do not have the energy to focus sometimes, and just trying to concentrate on anything is a big challenge, I find myself listening to the echo’s and then focusing in on them, then I also find that I have missed most of the conservation, so I just feel old I suppose, reminds me of the times that I use to take the mick out of Old Harry Blackburn for feeling the kind of way that I am now, maybe he is getting me back.
Gone Bloody Deef Again...
I have one of the old annoyances back though, my hearing in the right side has totally vanished, left with just the thud ,thud of the heartbeat underneath the blood vessels and a more annoying whistle, which is constant and never ending.
This was what took me to get this originally diagnosed, well thanks for all the sickness and throwing up, but its back just a few weeks after returning, and in the meanwhile you have really messed me up.
Three weeks home and still not heard from anyone, after care support for cancer seems very shit over here, or maybe you are required to phone them? I was told by someone that I will need to go back to Clatterbridge to resume the treatment, but then who do you talk to, I seem to have more questions at the moment than answers, The biggest on my list is can I get a new mask made? The main reason for me failing to complete the course of treatment was the effect that the radiotherapy has had on my throat, this and the fact of bad time keeping, I would take the diazepam 30 minutes before treatment to hopefully allow the mask to press down on my throat, but then you would find there was a machine down and you would wait 2 hours for the next slot which normally did the opposite of relaxing anyone, especially when you have mister grumpy on a couple of chairs away moaning that he has been waiting already for 4 hours and that he is going to just go home, well I can at least say a lot of us certainly wish that he did, nothing worse than listening to a real moaning voice going on every 5 minutes, thankfully this was not too normal.
But now that I am back home, and showing no signs of recovery I do need to get a few answers, namely the mask one, because it was pressing down so hard on the throat that I just could not breath with the mask in place, the radiotherapy aimed at the throat makes it basically swell up, surely they know this, but come the end of your treatment, there is no leeway to remove the pressure from the mask meaning that as you go through treatment, yes you lose a lot of weight, but you also start to suffer in some bad ways too. But they do not seem to take this into account, Throat and mouth start to swell up and I am not kidding when I say that they are basically burning you from the inside out, well something has to swell up and is effected by what they are doing but there seems to be little thought about by the technicians, as the treatment progressed, I was finding it harder to breathe normally and any pressure on the from of the throat hurt, and eventually it got to the point where I could not breathe with the mask fitted at all, but there seems no thought about this, many others must have gone through this before me, I was already admitted into Clatterbridge due to not being able to swallow or keep anything down, but they kept calling me down for treatment, I tried it once but it was way too painful, I could not breathe at all, It is not just a case of breathing, but I cannot swallow at all without being in tremendous pain, along with the totally dry mouth, and I do mean dry, I can pull off dead skin for years it seems which not only feels and sound disgusting, but it feels so wrong too, I spend the entire day picking at dead skin, and I feel as shit as my mouth feels. The biggest pain is the lack of taste, I cannot taste anything at all, food in general seems to taste of cardboard and even chewing this bland flavour for the sake of it just makes me want to projectile vomit, so basically eating anything is not an option yet, drink in still very hard to work out, Coke is about the only thing that I can manage, anything with water in tastes like everything has the contents of the bottom of the ashtray
Worse than that is the ever shite Broadband provided by Manx Telecom, we had to buy out of our own pocket a 4G Router which has basically performed a tad better then the main VDSL but it is so poor, I try to download a webpage and it just gets stuck, and I have to wait for it to wake up, a bit like my body really in the way that it is stuck in this shell and cannot do anything until let free to do so. In the run up to getting SkyNet we have kindly had a small spending spree on some ‘new to me’ Cisco Layer 3 Managed switches, and once I can get my head in working order I can get them set-up, this though is a lot easier said than done, I did managed to get the main switch (Purchased 3 for the task required) connected up one day and switched on, but was totally zonking out by the time it had load the operating system and had to leave the next job to later. I did manage to get it booted up again and then managed to connect up the relevant leads and get the switch set from Layer 2 to Layer 3 and once you wait the 15 or so minities for it to sort itself out I am now at the third day of a task that really should have only taken me 15 minutes in total including the waiting time.
Basically life is so shite at the moment.