It is Not getting any Easier!
None of this will make sense, it has been thrown together over weeks of depression, so if you are reading this crap then please bare that in mind.
With the TV coverage of Cancer and especially how people deal with ‘Terminal Cancer’, I am getting really pissed off with how we are all dealing fine thanks to the help from the government, what annoys me about this is that they all say that they went to the Macmillan and they helped them loads, well my own thoughts of Macmillan are totally different and since visiting the Hospice there are many others that that have had similar feelings towards them. It just seems that most people out there with terminal cancer seem to get help with different benefits, money help and just help trying to cope with things that keep beating you down on a daily basis, I suppose that I am happy that I am getting something, I may be the bare minimum but at least I am getting something to help my carer out, it is ridiculous really what a pitiful amount they get to look after us for 12 hours a day.
Just of late their seems to be so many adverts for people with Cancer and saying that it is all right, but I am sorry, but this is a total lie, especially here on the Isle of man, this is just what I feel like, most days of late I seem to be pretty depressed, I find it very hard to drag myself out of bed, if I could just avoid everything then sleeping all day long would be a great way to just fade away from all that gets me down.
When you do just drag yourself out of bed you sit yourself down in front of the TV where you get some really shit TV on during the day, all the adverts are a personal dig at you, you either get adverts on Cruising the World and seeing some luverly sights, which I have zero chance of going on, or they seem to be charity adverts asking for money (which I don’t have) or the ones that really get to me are the ones from Macmillan, all they tell you is that there is a leaflet over there somewhere, and so zero interest in listening to you and offering help of any sort.
When you first arrive at Clatterbridge in Liverpool you are boosted at every stage, every time you go through the door they know your name without anyone offering it, and when you do get low, mine was in the last week of Radiotherapy they try to show that they care and offer you help left, right and centre, it is the last week that you get hit with everything, in the end I was just wanting to die, I felt terrible and I suppose that I still do, when you set foot on the Isle of Man, you will find things ever so different, from the start we had to pass of copies of paperwork and scans to our consultant here on the isle of man after finding out that the island does not talk to Clatterbridge in any way, not for the lack of trying, but it seems that the islands medical system is totally different in a way it seems that the big wigs in the hospital do not want to know what happened to us when we went across.
The only thing that I can honestly praise here is the nurses on the wards, very underestimated, if not just bloody brilliant, where are Doctors on the wards are just useless, I had one that was completely unable to insert a canular, he took 12 very painful attempts and was thankfully replaced by a nurse who inserted the cannular first time and with very little pain, I had one Doctor trying to adjust my PEG by just yanking on it without unlocking it and was obviously on a different course where he was shown how easy to adjust the PEG’s are, and yet it was the same doctor that fitted it and gave me the monster of all painful abscesses.
I have banned my carer from calling for an ambulance in future, I have told her that so long as I am comfortable, I am happy, it just takes way too long to sort out the amount of meds that I am on to the wards, and a day or even two days without any meds at all is normally what happens on the wards, and this turns me into a right mess.
The one real godsend is the local Hospice, they run small fitness groups once a week for terminal cases on the island, they have certainly improved my fitness since I have been going but what I feel has made the most to me is the social aspect, I have made some new friends, and even on the days when I am really low it does help that I go, it gives me a brake from the pain that I seem to carry around most of the time.
Most days now I feel totally shit, it takes me most of the day to focus on things, mainly because I have little around me to concern trait on, that might sound a tad silly with all that I have here, but most of what I have now is either left in parts waiting for parts to appear, or all boxed up to keep the items clean and safe.
My Radio benches have been replaced with my computer and most days when I make it to my office are sat staring at the screen trying to work out what to do next.
Stuff in general has gone slow or stopped totally and I suppose it has been replaced with depression.
Everything on TV seems to be working against me, it is either travel shows and adverts for travels to nice areas around the globe which I just could never afford, or about food that I will never taste, there are the normal money grabbing adverts that try to guilt you into doing something right, or adverts for Macmillan to help you through cancer, where in reality all they do is tell you that there is a leaflet on a shelf and offer you now help at all, but I bet they would offer you loads of help if you wanted to make a will and leave it all to them .
I seem to be hitting these invisible walls a lot of late, I certainly miss the old days with Harry (MD0HEB) and more recently Douglas (GD3RFK), I certainly know that I am alone now, I get thew odd phone call from so called friends that just call you because you have something that they want and no other reason, but even those calls are now a remote memory.
More often than not I do not want to get up, but I feel that I have too, and then I just sit here waiting for night-time to remind me that it is time to go to bed.
