Please bring back Yesterday!

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God I feel Crap, been up since 5am, and totally different from yesterday.

Last night I was drained but I did not feel sick, this morning I have been fighting the urges to heave chunks, which has been very hard visiting the toilet, the sight of it makes me gag and I have to fight back the actual throwing up.

I took the anti-sickness liquid stuff this morning that they gave me, no way could I stomach tablets, that I don’t think helped too much, but being too early and really tired I suppose did not help, I got dressed and even needed a wooden jumper (don’t normally feel the cold), and promptly drank loads of liquid and covered myself up on the duvet and fell asleep (thankfully).

9.22am Been woken by the demands of my bladder and very unsteadily staggered to the toilet, then managed to sit down in the office to type this out and take the first batch of tablets for the day which thankfully (and hopefully) include the second of the sickness tablets the oncology department gave me, the hopeful bit being that I am hoping that this will work, the problem though is that I don’t want to move, even if I belch my whole body moves and I feel its going to be the start of me trying to reach the toilet bowl on time, I need to eat, but I don’t  really know what I can stomach making, let alone eating at the moment, even the thought of this is making me feel crap.

Normally I am the type of person that if I feel that I want to puke, I just go and get it over with, knowing that normally you feel better for doing it, but this feels so different, it feels that if and hopefully not when it starts, it will not stop for quite some time, really just trying to stay still and keep my mind blank, which thankfully I am very good at having not a lot of anything inside my head!

I spent the rest of the day trying to sleep in-between taking meds, checking blood levels and again trying to eat and drink, which was very small amounts of soup, jelly’s, and sips of anything IO can keep down. I was not sick all day but I felt like I needed to be, its not nice at all, the constant belching and trying to hold it down is not fun at all, I feel pathetic, and somewhat alone, I get visits throughout the day from Sue who is a welcome visit, although she often wakes me up, but I am grateful. There is not really a lot I can do, I kind of wish my office was finished so at least I could have turned on an old radio to listen to it and then lay on the floor on a duvet to the sounds of Ham Radio, maybe soon.

The rest of the day was uneventful, I carried on feeling crap all day, its not nice and its starting to wear me down somewhat, I even wonder if I can handle what’s to come, this is bad enough and if I feel like this after just one treatment of Chemo, what’s it going to be like after 9 weeks!

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